I heard a rather disturbing story about a guy who basically dates girls, takes money off them then dumps them and doesn’t pay back the money. He apparently does this is a very clever way because he is the type of guy that looks serious and behaves well on the surface. He doesn’t fool around or party so you think you are onto something good. So you are dating, thinking it might end in marriage and you lend him money for some business venture that he has told you all about anyway and then next minute you are no longer good enough and he cuts you loose but sans cash!
As appalled as I am about this type of scoundrel ladies (and I actually find this worse than cheating) I have to ask… what are you thinking? Never lend a man money because even if you stay together he will never thank you for it. As a matter of fact he will dislike you because you could afford to lend him the money. Men want to be in control and the mere fact that you can sort out his problems for him means that you become persona non grata.
I am a modern woman who believes that women should be able to take care of themselves and not rely on men, but please there is no need to take care of a man too. These days as women we are high earners, travel when we want and buy what we want but you know, we need to retain some of those old fashioned ways that say that a man should take care of a woman.
Trust me, I know! I have always felt I can do it myself but now I know better. I am sure we have all been burnt and it is time we came to our senses.
Let him pay. You can buy nice little gifts and take him for the occasional meal when you know each other really well but really, for the bigger stuff, let him pay. Certainly do not whip out your cheque book to help him ESPECIALLY if it is for business. I am sure a part of us enjoys that though – feeling like he owes us something – but it is not cool!
We only have ourselves to blame if we are played for fools..
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Practice Makes Perfect?
Don't let a dark past cloud a bright future.
If the guy is divorced, maybe he married the wrong woman. It happens more than most people care to admit.
Been together for a while and 'its the next logical step'
Didn't think anyone better would come along
Maybe he succumbed to family and/or peer pressure.
Its your job to make sure you both communicate well enough to find out what the guy is REALLY like.
Remember there's always his side of the story, her side of the story and then what really happened. So when you ask him, listen objectively to why he says it didn't work out. And no "it didn't work out" is not a viable reason to end a marriage so I'd recommend you press for a better answer that sheds some light onto what this guy was like in a marriage.
Is he a hardcore playerplayer?
Did he make her a human punchbag?
These might be hard questions to get an honest answer to but if you suspect either might be the case, ask. And then watch his reaction. Any signs of nervousness or guarded behaviour should help you see all might not be as sweet as you had hoped for.
But on the flip side, maybe he did just marry the wrong girl at the wrong time.
In which case you're the beneficiary.
And at least unlike the playboy-flying-solo for life, at least you know he's capable of going through the whole shebang.
If he's willing to take the plunge again with you, chances are he learnt a lot of key lessons the first time round about what not to do in a marriage.
And sometimes knowing what not to do can prove more valuable than knowing what to do!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The 4 ‘D’s - dilemma of dating a divorced dude!
A divorced man may or may not be a blessing for new galpal. If ex-wifey did a good job of making him a real man before she left then.. good news for you! If she left broken and tired or without any luggage because it was easier and quicker to do so then… move on sista!
At this point I will say that if the man is a known wife beater, serial philanderer or murderer then there really is nothing much one can do with this sort of man so once again, keep walking!
Anyway back to the matter at hand; how do we ensure we get the right kind of divorced man? I have heard women say it’s better if he had no children because this would mean less money for yours, or he will always have his former wife in his life, but is that really the worst thing that can happen? Isn’t good to see what he is like with children and how generous he is?
Or people say try and find out what happened between them because he might be no good. How do you do this and must it always be his fault? You can ask him but will you get a straight answer or the truth? Most times you only get to hear one side – his! If you are lucky and you hear about her through the grapevine you must be careful to take it all with a pinch of salt but observe him through it all. If he is still friends with her watch their relationship very closely. It will tell you a lot about him. The answers are often right in front of us but we choose not to see.
Very importantly don’t forget the psychological damage that a divorce can bring though - there are men out there whose wives have left them because they met someone else, or because they couldn’t support them. Even the bastards can suffer from damage – it is only human. Find out how long he has been divorced for and if he has dated since.
What I do know for sure is that when a man tells you who he, is or shows you who he is, best believe him - married, divorced or single. Don’t make excuses for him but take it that the real him did that. If a man doesn’t look after his kids and gives lame excuses about an ex who won’t let him, accept that he is a dead beat dad. You see real men every day going to such lengths to find their kids or men in court trying to get visitation rights.
Some people married young and did end up with the wrong person. Some just plain don’t know what they want or what they are doing. The key thing is to keep your eyes wide open. Listen carefully and try to gather information from his friends and siblings once you are on that level. Watch the way he is with his family and friends – that also tells you about how generous he is or how kind.
Just because someone is divorced it doesn’t mean they are bad people. There are lots of singles out there who are terrible and don’t want to settle down. There are some serial marriers too but if you don’t want to be a victim then proceed with caution.
I have heard good and bad things about people who have ended up with divorcé’s. Give him a chance, keep in mind what you want but...don’t make excuses for him..
At this point I will say that if the man is a known wife beater, serial philanderer or murderer then there really is nothing much one can do with this sort of man so once again, keep walking!
Anyway back to the matter at hand; how do we ensure we get the right kind of divorced man? I have heard women say it’s better if he had no children because this would mean less money for yours, or he will always have his former wife in his life, but is that really the worst thing that can happen? Isn’t good to see what he is like with children and how generous he is?
Or people say try and find out what happened between them because he might be no good. How do you do this and must it always be his fault? You can ask him but will you get a straight answer or the truth? Most times you only get to hear one side – his! If you are lucky and you hear about her through the grapevine you must be careful to take it all with a pinch of salt but observe him through it all. If he is still friends with her watch their relationship very closely. It will tell you a lot about him. The answers are often right in front of us but we choose not to see.
Very importantly don’t forget the psychological damage that a divorce can bring though - there are men out there whose wives have left them because they met someone else, or because they couldn’t support them. Even the bastards can suffer from damage – it is only human. Find out how long he has been divorced for and if he has dated since.
What I do know for sure is that when a man tells you who he, is or shows you who he is, best believe him - married, divorced or single. Don’t make excuses for him but take it that the real him did that. If a man doesn’t look after his kids and gives lame excuses about an ex who won’t let him, accept that he is a dead beat dad. You see real men every day going to such lengths to find their kids or men in court trying to get visitation rights.
Some people married young and did end up with the wrong person. Some just plain don’t know what they want or what they are doing. The key thing is to keep your eyes wide open. Listen carefully and try to gather information from his friends and siblings once you are on that level. Watch the way he is with his family and friends – that also tells you about how generous he is or how kind.
Just because someone is divorced it doesn’t mean they are bad people. There are lots of singles out there who are terrible and don’t want to settle down. There are some serial marriers too but if you don’t want to be a victim then proceed with caution.
I have heard good and bad things about people who have ended up with divorcé’s. Give him a chance, keep in mind what you want but...don’t make excuses for him..
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I am woman, hear me roar
Cougars, MILFs, sugar mommas.
Call them what you will but as much as players change, the game remains the same.
A giver & a taker.
That is one of the most basic fundamentals in relationships.
One person just wants and does keep on giving.
One person just wants and does keep on taking.
The person with more money is at risk of being used for their money.
But then again, the trade off of a few sparkly gifts for youthful exuberance might not be such a bad one.
The young hot summer bunny, is at risk of being loved for only the way that they look.
But in exchange for a few (or many) sparkly gifts, that's not necessarily such a bad exchange.
Money makes the world go round and money is the root of all evil. Some guys marry certain women for their cash, some women marry men for their cash. Some people, know their youth is all they have to work with so they always pick someone way older. Whatever floats your little boat.
People just need to man up and at least be honest with themselves as to why they're in the situations they're in.
No point telling your boys, you're in love with the crusty old heffa who just happens to live in a huge pad, sends you off to her Kensington flat on the regular and hands you the keys to her CLS without being prompted.
But if you ARE in love with the crusty old heffa, don't lie to yourself about it and allow what could be a good relationship to be crushed under the weight of society's expectations.
Because at the end of the day, as much as the hoi polloi might want to say they knew first, don't make the mistake of thinking anybody actually cares.
Just remember, no matter how good or bad things might look on paper, after the party jollof has been eaten, there's only two of you that have to find a way to co-exist in that big shiny house with the big shiny toys.
You can run but you can't hide.
Call them what you will but as much as players change, the game remains the same.
A giver & a taker.
That is one of the most basic fundamentals in relationships.
One person just wants and does keep on giving.
One person just wants and does keep on taking.
The person with more money is at risk of being used for their money.
But then again, the trade off of a few sparkly gifts for youthful exuberance might not be such a bad one.
The young hot summer bunny, is at risk of being loved for only the way that they look.
But in exchange for a few (or many) sparkly gifts, that's not necessarily such a bad exchange.
Money makes the world go round and money is the root of all evil. Some guys marry certain women for their cash, some women marry men for their cash. Some people, know their youth is all they have to work with so they always pick someone way older. Whatever floats your little boat.
People just need to man up and at least be honest with themselves as to why they're in the situations they're in.
No point telling your boys, you're in love with the crusty old heffa who just happens to live in a huge pad, sends you off to her Kensington flat on the regular and hands you the keys to her CLS without being prompted.
But if you ARE in love with the crusty old heffa, don't lie to yourself about it and allow what could be a good relationship to be crushed under the weight of society's expectations.
Because at the end of the day, as much as the hoi polloi might want to say they knew first, don't make the mistake of thinking anybody actually cares.
Just remember, no matter how good or bad things might look on paper, after the party jollof has been eaten, there's only two of you that have to find a way to co-exist in that big shiny house with the big shiny toys.
You can run but you can't hide.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The real Cougars
Cougar: the term for older women dating younger men! Fair? I don’t think so. Disparaging – yes, more like! Why are older women who date younger men called Cougars? Why make them sound as if they are on the prowl for fresh meat? And these young men – are they really innocent? I think not.
The whole ‘young men with older women’ is a current trend which shows no signs of going away. Some women swear by it whilst others are a bit ashamed that they had to go that route and keep it very on the DL.
I say, whatever makes you happy! At the end of the day, a man is man, is a man….But please don’t blame it on the women. Some times these relationships actually work out and can even lead to marriage. Other times these guys go into it for what they can get – from clothes to cars to money!
Most of these older women are not poor y’know! She wouldn’t even be called a Cougar if she were poor – trust me! She would just be pitied! It all sounds so much more exciting when said female is dripping in jewels and drives a flash car!
So back to these young men – the real Cougars.. I know of a younger guy who was with someone, in all honesty only about 7 years older than he was. He would hang out with her in the day time, do dinner and then jet at night claiming to be hanging out with his boys.
It turns out in reality he was scouting for younger women he could play with – take on dates, lie to – that sort of stuff. This young man was virtually living off the older woman and was spending a few nights a week at hers – he had just moved into town, was job hunting and trying to save money – or so he said.
Needless to say she booted him out when it got back to her that he was taking girls out with the money she had lent him to ‘get his car fixed’.
This could actually happen even if the guy is older than the woman but why do people enjoy it more when it is a younger man? Why is age so important and why don’t people freak out when younger women are with much older men, and spending their money? Now those chicks are Cougars!
The whole ‘young men with older women’ is a current trend which shows no signs of going away. Some women swear by it whilst others are a bit ashamed that they had to go that route and keep it very on the DL.
I say, whatever makes you happy! At the end of the day, a man is man, is a man….But please don’t blame it on the women. Some times these relationships actually work out and can even lead to marriage. Other times these guys go into it for what they can get – from clothes to cars to money!
Most of these older women are not poor y’know! She wouldn’t even be called a Cougar if she were poor – trust me! She would just be pitied! It all sounds so much more exciting when said female is dripping in jewels and drives a flash car!
So back to these young men – the real Cougars.. I know of a younger guy who was with someone, in all honesty only about 7 years older than he was. He would hang out with her in the day time, do dinner and then jet at night claiming to be hanging out with his boys.
It turns out in reality he was scouting for younger women he could play with – take on dates, lie to – that sort of stuff. This young man was virtually living off the older woman and was spending a few nights a week at hers – he had just moved into town, was job hunting and trying to save money – or so he said.
Needless to say she booted him out when it got back to her that he was taking girls out with the money she had lent him to ‘get his car fixed’.
This could actually happen even if the guy is older than the woman but why do people enjoy it more when it is a younger man? Why is age so important and why don’t people freak out when younger women are with much older men, and spending their money? Now those chicks are Cougars!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Bag Lady...you're gonna break your back
Damaged goods is just a very polite way of saying I'm very f***ed up and have no intention to try to be better, different, nicer.
And when someone has already told you they're damaged, if they do anything that upsets you, and rest assured they will, they can (and will) always turn round and say "But I told you I was damaged".
It makes no sense.
So don't fall for it.
My advice, ladies and gents, is when someone tells you they're damaged, is to cancel your order and send it back to the kitchen.
You were looking for a nice plate of sirloin steak and they sent you a plate of bush meat full of bullets and schrapnel. No matter how much peppercorn sauce or bearnaise you add, its not going to make the bush meat a sirloin. The side order of veg (aka the effects) might temporarily distract you but they won't fulfill you. It was defective from the start.
So send it back.
(And spare yourself the pain of cracking a tooth on the unexpected shrapnel)
If you're over 35 and single, you've probably been in the dating game for 15-20 years so yes, agreed you've probably picked up some baggage along the way.
If you're over 35 and married, especially if you married for the wrong reasons (you know who you are), you've definitely picked up more than your fair share from the conveyor belt.
If you're over 40 and unmarried, maybe you're defective, maybe not. All our choices are half chance anyway. Like everybody else, you'd have made some good choices and some bad choices. But agreed, you too will be carrying some excess baggage.
Marriage is not for everybody and there are a number of married people who probably shouldn't be (again, you know who you are).
So in short, married, single, young, old, everybody has baggage. Nobody is perfect, you're not, I'm not, he's not. So how about we all stop pretending or striving for a level of perfection that is unattainable and learn to love the imperfections that make us all who we are.
So I'll urge you to deal with the issue of excess baggage by following the advice of Ludacris.
Just drink some prune juice and let that ish go.
And when someone has already told you they're damaged, if they do anything that upsets you, and rest assured they will, they can (and will) always turn round and say "But I told you I was damaged".
It makes no sense.
So don't fall for it.
My advice, ladies and gents, is when someone tells you they're damaged, is to cancel your order and send it back to the kitchen.
You were looking for a nice plate of sirloin steak and they sent you a plate of bush meat full of bullets and schrapnel. No matter how much peppercorn sauce or bearnaise you add, its not going to make the bush meat a sirloin. The side order of veg (aka the effects) might temporarily distract you but they won't fulfill you. It was defective from the start.
So send it back.
(And spare yourself the pain of cracking a tooth on the unexpected shrapnel)
If you're over 35 and single, you've probably been in the dating game for 15-20 years so yes, agreed you've probably picked up some baggage along the way.
If you're over 35 and married, especially if you married for the wrong reasons (you know who you are), you've definitely picked up more than your fair share from the conveyor belt.
If you're over 40 and unmarried, maybe you're defective, maybe not. All our choices are half chance anyway. Like everybody else, you'd have made some good choices and some bad choices. But agreed, you too will be carrying some excess baggage.
Marriage is not for everybody and there are a number of married people who probably shouldn't be (again, you know who you are).
So in short, married, single, young, old, everybody has baggage. Nobody is perfect, you're not, I'm not, he's not. So how about we all stop pretending or striving for a level of perfection that is unattainable and learn to love the imperfections that make us all who we are.
So I'll urge you to deal with the issue of excess baggage by following the advice of Ludacris.
Just drink some prune juice and let that ish go.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Damaged Goods… handle with care
Have any men used this term on you in a bid to get out of something they have done, or, to try and explain why they should really be in the looney bin? ‘I am damaged goods…’
I honestly think it is quite a funny term – I have this image in my head of some guy in pieces in a cardboard box just going round and round on a conveyor belt at the airport cos no one wants to claim the box!
Ok, on a serious note if someone tells you he is damaged goods then best run a mile. That is a bad boy pretending to be good, telling you he is bad! It is just an excuse to behave badly.
However…. if you are over 35 and single, actually, even if you are married, you have probably had your fair share of hurt. It is practically impossible in the type of world we live in for anyone to have just had perfect, loving relationships all their lives. So there are lots of damaged goods out there – most of the time being damaged by those claiming to be damaged goods!
Recently a friend said anyone over 40 who is unmarried is defective! I thought ‘ouch!’ But I understood what she meant beneath the severity of it all. I don’t completely agree with her because I believe that circumstances such as where one lives, what one does etc and most importantly, what God has in store for you, come in to play.
So if we are all slightly defective – agreed, some more than others, why can’t we go and be defective together? Why are defective people looking for perfect people, knowing fully well they also have issues!
Isn’t it better to be amongst your fellow defectees than to look for the perfect goods? Why the ‘long throat?’ Or do we not know that we all have issues? What makes it ok for someone who you gave a chance knowing they were one foot in the psych ward to turn around and point out ALL your faults and then leave you!
When we go to Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Ross’s Dress for Less (go on, you know you love it) and we find a Donna Karan dress at 70% off the original price, it has a little tear at the bottom but apart from that it looks just fine. Don’t we buy it?
Ok so what am I really saying here? Just playing devils advocate ….
I honestly think it is quite a funny term – I have this image in my head of some guy in pieces in a cardboard box just going round and round on a conveyor belt at the airport cos no one wants to claim the box!
Ok, on a serious note if someone tells you he is damaged goods then best run a mile. That is a bad boy pretending to be good, telling you he is bad! It is just an excuse to behave badly.
However…. if you are over 35 and single, actually, even if you are married, you have probably had your fair share of hurt. It is practically impossible in the type of world we live in for anyone to have just had perfect, loving relationships all their lives. So there are lots of damaged goods out there – most of the time being damaged by those claiming to be damaged goods!
Recently a friend said anyone over 40 who is unmarried is defective! I thought ‘ouch!’ But I understood what she meant beneath the severity of it all. I don’t completely agree with her because I believe that circumstances such as where one lives, what one does etc and most importantly, what God has in store for you, come in to play.
So if we are all slightly defective – agreed, some more than others, why can’t we go and be defective together? Why are defective people looking for perfect people, knowing fully well they also have issues!
Isn’t it better to be amongst your fellow defectees than to look for the perfect goods? Why the ‘long throat?’ Or do we not know that we all have issues? What makes it ok for someone who you gave a chance knowing they were one foot in the psych ward to turn around and point out ALL your faults and then leave you!
When we go to Marshalls, TJ Maxx or Ross’s Dress for Less (go on, you know you love it) and we find a Donna Karan dress at 70% off the original price, it has a little tear at the bottom but apart from that it looks just fine. Don’t we buy it?
Ok so what am I really saying here? Just playing devils advocate ….
Monday, February 16, 2009
Mrs Me Too
Sigh.
Big sigh.
I just don't get it. To be the cause of so much pain, destruction, devastation.
Too many stories of guys leaving their first wife for the mistress only to give the final f*** you from the grave as he leaves his estate to the first wife.
Too many stories of guys leaving the first wife for the mistress only to spend the rest of his life in misery over the mistake he made.
Too many stories of the guy leaving the first wife for the mistress only to consistently impregnate the hoi polloi.
Too many stories of guys who never leave the wife.
Why? He's. Just. Not. That. Into. You.
If the guy lied and you didn't know he was with someone else or married, fair enough.
But if you did know and carried on regardless, je ne comprends pas.
You see Mr and Mrs looking all happy and think you want some of that too?
It wouldn't be the same with you so stop being a hater.
Stop sipping on your hatorade.
Why be Rebecca Loos to Victoria Beckham?
Why be Divine Brown to Liz Hurley?
Why be that nanny to Sienna Miller?
Why be that Abigail chick to Reese Witherspoon?
Why be that tramp to Cheryl Cole?
Why be the Mrs Me Too to the Mrs?
Why be the persistent (for now) gecko in someone elses house?
Why be the (as yet) undefeated cockroach in someone else kitchen?
Why be the pesky peacock making noise and eating the plants that just won't get out of someone else's garden?
Why be the persistent glitch in the gen that stops it from working?
Why be the fat on the edge of the meat that always get cut out?
Why be the crust on the bread that gets cut off for premium sandwiches?
Why be the split ends of the hair that always gets chopped off?
Why be the hangnail that gets massacred at the weekly mani/pedi but still keeps coming back for more?
Why be the bunion on someone's foot serving no purpose but discomfort?
Why be the sediment at the bottom of the premium wine bottle that nobody drinks?
Why be the crown that sits uselessly on top of the pineapple....its always the first to go.
How much fun would it be if every time you ate out, some pesky git ate off your plate?
How much fun would it be if every time you went shopping someone stole your money?
How much fun would it be if every time you tried to cook, someone stole your pot?
It wouldn't be.
So to all the underachieving, self loathing, low self esteem, low expectation having hater floozies that think playing second fiddle is a good idea....
Cease
and
desist.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Scoundrelles - female deviants
Okay ladies, it is time we took the forest out of our eyes and looked within ourselves. It is not just men that are DRS’s y’know! There are many females out there who give the decent ones a bad name!
Dating married men! Okay so tell me.. what is in it for you except for a few nights of passion (if you are lucky and he is any good), some gifts and if you are really special, a holiday somewhere exotic – in a hotel room which as it turns out is just in a different wing to the suite he is sharing with his wife and kids!
Let’s look at the down side – can you really spend his birthday with him? What about Christmas day? How about just going out for a plain, simple drink without the world watching you? What about his wife’s friends who all know about you and take every opportunity to make your life uncomfortable when they see you?
Why do women put themselves through this? I have heard some girls say it is less stressful than being in a proper relationship; or that they have reached an age where they are tired of waiting for Mr Right and that it is unfortunate that Mr ‘Right Now’ just so happens to be married – minor thing really! I even hear people say that married men are more available! How is this possible? How do you have more time on your hands if you are holding down a job, dealing with a wife and looking after kids? Call me naïve but I don’t have that kind of time right now and I aint got no kids!
We all know of, or have heard about men and their galpals and we are becoming very used to it. We comment on it in passing – almost bored with the gist – ‘you know he is seeing x?’ And the person you are telling no longer says ‘how could they?’ ‘What rot?’ but says. ‘I am happy for them!’ They are not really but they are tired of hearing this story.
So, when did it become the norm? I don’t blame the guys mind you. Yeah he took a vow etc etc but since the beginning of time men have been showing us daily that there are few things they take seriously - football and having a son.
If women weren’t available then they wouldn’t have this option. It would be stick with wifey or go gay!
Peace!
Dating married men! Okay so tell me.. what is in it for you except for a few nights of passion (if you are lucky and he is any good), some gifts and if you are really special, a holiday somewhere exotic – in a hotel room which as it turns out is just in a different wing to the suite he is sharing with his wife and kids!
Let’s look at the down side – can you really spend his birthday with him? What about Christmas day? How about just going out for a plain, simple drink without the world watching you? What about his wife’s friends who all know about you and take every opportunity to make your life uncomfortable when they see you?
Why do women put themselves through this? I have heard some girls say it is less stressful than being in a proper relationship; or that they have reached an age where they are tired of waiting for Mr Right and that it is unfortunate that Mr ‘Right Now’ just so happens to be married – minor thing really! I even hear people say that married men are more available! How is this possible? How do you have more time on your hands if you are holding down a job, dealing with a wife and looking after kids? Call me naïve but I don’t have that kind of time right now and I aint got no kids!
We all know of, or have heard about men and their galpals and we are becoming very used to it. We comment on it in passing – almost bored with the gist – ‘you know he is seeing x?’ And the person you are telling no longer says ‘how could they?’ ‘What rot?’ but says. ‘I am happy for them!’ They are not really but they are tired of hearing this story.
So, when did it become the norm? I don’t blame the guys mind you. Yeah he took a vow etc etc but since the beginning of time men have been showing us daily that there are few things they take seriously - football and having a son.
If women weren’t available then they wouldn’t have this option. It would be stick with wifey or go gay!
Peace!
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Mrs Club
I think the problem here is men think 'marriage' is what women want to hear. (Ok, Truth's example, that guy was just a little special, 6 times?)
Men say marriage and all of a sudden everyone's happy and smiling and not complaining about them eating the last rolo.
Why is that?
I remember as soon as I graduated, all of a sudden the 'line' became, you'd make me a perfect wife. All the guys who were trying to get their mack on, suddenly started using this as the line that was supposed to issue them with a one way ticket OUT of the friend zone. While in
reality it just got them a side-eye and swift departure from me.
And then I noticed, post-uni a lot of women weren't on the hunt for the perfect job, they were on the hunt for a husband. For some women, they seem to feel that once you get a degree, you get married and start popping out babies and that is your lot in life. For some women, they've been bullied into submission by society, aunts, uncles, parents, telling
them they need to be married by 30....this leads to massive paranoia, insecurity and generally low self esteem which is never a good place to be in. And for what seems to be a minority, they don't get what all the fuss is about.
Developing countries seem to place an even higher level of importance in women getting 'married by 30' and the guys know this.
The smart slick ricks are wise to the game that mention the word marriage, the woman in question will assume she's being taken seriously and its open sesame. Ladies, before you start repeatedly bouncing your reality checks, remember for the male slut, the ends justifies the means.
I just wish that women would stop getting all carried away with guys insinuating the thought of marriage might have flitted across their minds for a brief millisecond. Women need to realise men are lucky to have you..NOT the other way round. Ideally you're lucky to have each other but NEVER EVER let some prick make you feel like he's doing you a favour by being with you.
As he's there feeling like the dalai-friggin-lama bestowing the gift of world peace on you, just stop and think if you would actually want to spend your life with him anyway. Too many a bad marriage is born out of the two people not thinking about what their lives will be like once the aso-ebi, lace and party jollof is over. Who is this person you're supposed to be spending your life with? How well do you know him?
I remember taking great delight in pricking the over-sized ego of a guy I dated briefly a long time ago. He was there feeling like King Kong, and his friend said. "Oh, he seems to like you a lot. Play your cards right and he might ask you to marry him".
Astounded at the combined and singular arrogance of Dumb and Dumber, I happily replied "Who said I'd have him anyway?"
Dumb's ego was deflated like a helium balloon and Dumber was rolling on the floor with laughter. Not every relationship will end in marriage, not every relationship is supposed to lead to marriage.
Especially when you're young, just enjoy being in relationship as they give you a clearer idea of what you do and don't want in your life. While clearly there was no future for me and Dumb, we're still friends, and I know he respects me a lot more as I was never that pining,
passive, permissive bridezilla in the making.
I'll leave you with this very apt Lady Nancy Astor quote.
"I married beneath me, all women do"
So stick that in his pipe and tell him to smoke it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I propose!
There are some guys out there who just love to propose! Have we come across them before ladies? You know the type who after a month of being with you tells you that he wants to marry you and starts making plans? What is up with these guys? Do they think it is a joke or something to be taken lightly? Ladies on this occasion - since more men propose than women - this is purely about men!
If a man tells you he wants to marry you or he actually says - will you marry me - in the heat of passion, then ladies he is kidding and it is only because at that point in time he cant even think straight. In some cases he doesnt even remember who is lying under him (or on top actually).
If after a month of dating - when the going is good - he starts making plans for marriage with you, be very weary... dont get all excited, just wait and see and always think about how you feel about the person. We all get caught up in romance or so-called love that we dont stop to think about how we feel and if we want to marry them!
If you bring it up another day and he either changes the topic, or cant recall even saying it, then know that he is not serious.
Men think that women love to hear that and feel it gives them some kind of power. Remember, if he could say so easily, he can retract just as easily!
I know of a guy who has proposed or talked marriage with about 6 women and hasnt married any. Is this normal behaviour?
If a man tells you he wants to marry you or he actually says - will you marry me - in the heat of passion, then ladies he is kidding and it is only because at that point in time he cant even think straight. In some cases he doesnt even remember who is lying under him (or on top actually).
If after a month of dating - when the going is good - he starts making plans for marriage with you, be very weary... dont get all excited, just wait and see and always think about how you feel about the person. We all get caught up in romance or so-called love that we dont stop to think about how we feel and if we want to marry them!
If you bring it up another day and he either changes the topic, or cant recall even saying it, then know that he is not serious.
Men think that women love to hear that and feel it gives them some kind of power. Remember, if he could say so easily, he can retract just as easily!
I know of a guy who has proposed or talked marriage with about 6 women and hasnt married any. Is this normal behaviour?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Do No evil?
First of all, SHADOW, whoever you are, you're clearly a guy and you sound like a bad guy.
We need to hear more from you on a regular basis! Women need to understand why guys like you do what you do.
Or is it just the simplest truth...because you can?
Ok, so Truth raised a tricky situation most people might have been unfortunate enough to find themselves in. What to do?
Well, remember most women will always shoot the messenger.
Before you even think about doing anything, be crystal clear on what you saw.
If you didn't see any actual wrongdoing, you could well have the wrong end of the stick. Inappropriate flirting is never ideal but its not necessarily a dealbreaker either. So if you just see a friend's beau flirting in a big way, it could just be an ego trip. I'd recommend you have a word with the beau but leave your friend out of it.
BUT, if you see some serious wrongdoing...(and in a situation like this, unless you see them having around of tonsil tennis remember, there might not be any wrongdoing) I'd dodge the bullet with the messenger's name on it and go straight to the source of trouble, i.e. the man and stick your flippin' oar right in.
1. Out him in front of his date (no guarantee she cares but if there's any chance you might burn his cables, take it!). When I say out him, ask him, where is your girlfriend?
2. Talk to the skank (if she knew he was attached) lady if not. Wait until you can catch her alone, when he goes to get a drink or better yet, if she goes to the bathroom. Just be honest, say "If it was me I would appreciate someone telling me, he lives with someone. just thought you should know." You can't control what she'll do with that information but at least she knows.
3. Talk to him and ask him what the f*** he's doing. He might feel bad, he might not but at least its a I see you, you see me situation.
4. Tell your friend. This one is tricky as I think many women know their men have some unsavoury extracurricular activities but are quite happy to play their role. So you marching up with your 'new' information, might
a. not really be new
b. force her out of her f***ed up comfort zone and have to at least pretend to address a situation she'd rather ignore.
Keep the conversation as brief as possible, stick to the facts and don't meander with the story.
And be super sensitive to if she wants to talk in which case do, or not, in which case leave her alone and she can call you back when and if she's ready.
And back to what Truth said, the best liars know the most effective lies are the half truths. You're not as likely to mix up the details, and by saying he saw you before you speak to her, he's effectively squashed the situation......
Thursday, January 29, 2009
It wasn't me
How many people has this happened to? You are out one night and you spot a pals partner with someone else and he/she is not treating the other party like a sibling - y'know, dirty dancing et al... You try to ignore it (if i cant see it, it didnt happen) by looking the other way and having yourself a good ole time.
Next day you get a call from your pal saying "oh X says he saw you last night. He was out with his cousin who just came in from out of town."
You are like. "Oh yes, thats right. I thought i spotted him/her. Cousin right? Cuul!"
or, "The lying cheatin dog! He was giving her a tonsilectomy actually. I was going to call you to let you know but i wanted to have breakfast first."
what the heck do you do? Any why did X just have to drop you in it?
Next day you get a call from your pal saying "oh X says he saw you last night. He was out with his cousin who just came in from out of town."
You are like. "Oh yes, thats right. I thought i spotted him/her. Cousin right? Cuul!"
or, "The lying cheatin dog! He was giving her a tonsilectomy actually. I was going to call you to let you know but i wanted to have breakfast first."
what the heck do you do? Any why did X just have to drop you in it?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Too Much Is Never Enough
Every young boy is basically Charlie.
Sweet young kid.
Then the hormones kick in and its time for them to troop off to the world famous Chocolate Factory aka The Candy Shop aka The World of Women.
And lurking near every Chocolate Factory is an Augustus Gloop.
Remember him? The greedy m****f***** that loved the chocolate so much he fell into Willy Wonka's chocolate river.
Sometimes too much is just never enough.
In this world of skanks, skeezers and gold-digging hos, a man knows he's lucky enough to meet ONE good woman. The smart guys, get on Oprah's sofa and start bouncing around with joy as they feel they are literally the luckiest men in the world.
The daft guys just keep asking for more.
Lets take Truth's story from the top.
Guy meets girl A, they get talking, like each other, swap numbers, agree to meet again next weekend.
During the week, guy meets girl B, they like each other, swap numbers, agree to meet again the next weekend.
At this point, I don't think anybody has done anything wrong.
He meets Girl A on Saturday, they like each other, hang out, agree to meet again.
He meets Girl B on Sunday, they like each other, hang out, agree to meet again.
Its easy to see how this can keep going on for longer than planned and how it could have started without any malice or ill-intent. Its easy enough to see how in the early stages there's no real commitment. Then again, some guys are just like Augustus Gloop and will keep going until they drown in it.
So I'll tell you what I do.
Ask.
Are you seeing anyone else?
He might tell the truth, he might lie but instead of just listening, watch his reactions to see if you believe him. Then take the responsibility into your own hand s and decide what you choose to believe. Lie to yourself if it makes you happy (it never does), let your paranoid psychotic neurosis get the better of you if it pleases you.
If he says he is, ask him if he intends to continue. If he says yes, you say thank you for a lovely dinner, get up and leave.
Whatever happens, just be sure to realise you made a choice on what to believe.
Now, onto the supposed friends.
Girl 1 is the real scoundrel and Girl Number 2 got shafted.
If Girl 1 knew the guy was seeing Girl 2, why not bring it up with him or with her?
If you respect yourself, the guy or your friend, you'll say something.
If you speak to your friend and you both like the guy, first dibs yeah?
If she got there first, back off.
If its supposed to be it will be. With you, with her or far more likely, with someone else!
There are over 6 billion of us in the world.
Read carefully.
You
Will
Find
Someone
Else
Keeping a boyfriend-in-common quiet is shady. Whichever way you look at it.
And shady always finds a way to bite shady's ass.
The problem with all this unda-g nonsense that people in Lagos love so much is friends often end up shagging the same guy and everyone is busy keeping schtum about who they're with.
I remember being out at a dinner and two girls were talking about the guy they were seeing. One girl lived in Lagos, one girl lived in london and you know what? They were kinda similar looking. I asked who he was, they both said they wanted to keep things quiet. I pointed out if a guy wants to 'keep things quiet' he's probably shagging your mate.
Friday, January 23, 2009
‘Boy meets girls’ AKA ‘A tale of two scoundrels’
Picture this… Boy meets girl one fine evening, they hit it off and start dating. But boy is a player and meets another girl who he also gets on with and he starts dating her too!
You’ve all heard this before eh? So what? Guys do it all the time….well it gets better. Turns out the girls are friends – not best friends but friends who meet up occasionally for a drink. Fast forward two to three months and boy starts acting up with girl no. 2 - turns up late for dates or is a no show; has fantastic excuses – I got mugged but I managed to chase him down and get him arrested; eased off on the marriage talk etc etc . (Red flag!! If a guy makes a sudden change for no good reason; you haven’t argued etc, he is up to no good) Of course she is puzzled, hurt etc, but girlfriend is not about to be dumped and she can see it coming so she sets up a meeting with boy and nips it in the bud.
A week after the ‘end of the affair’ girls hook up to catch up and First Girlfriend in a state of confusion, guilt whatever you want to call it, confesses that she is with the guy, had found out about him seeing her friend – which he promptly denied saying Second Girlfriend was delusional, chasing after him and that he certainly wasn’t dating her..(Red flag!! If a guy disses a girl you ask him about, he is into her or hitting it) and, she believed of course because she had known him for a whole 3 months - a lifetime compared to the 10 years she had known her friend! Of course! But she just had to tell her friend all about it and she and boy were in love blah blah blah…
Needless to say, they didn’t last long either! I mean seriously! True story though…
So tell me, who is the bigger scoundrel?
You’ve all heard this before eh? So what? Guys do it all the time….well it gets better. Turns out the girls are friends – not best friends but friends who meet up occasionally for a drink. Fast forward two to three months and boy starts acting up with girl no. 2 - turns up late for dates or is a no show; has fantastic excuses – I got mugged but I managed to chase him down and get him arrested; eased off on the marriage talk etc etc . (Red flag!! If a guy makes a sudden change for no good reason; you haven’t argued etc, he is up to no good) Of course she is puzzled, hurt etc, but girlfriend is not about to be dumped and she can see it coming so she sets up a meeting with boy and nips it in the bud.
A week after the ‘end of the affair’ girls hook up to catch up and First Girlfriend in a state of confusion, guilt whatever you want to call it, confesses that she is with the guy, had found out about him seeing her friend – which he promptly denied saying Second Girlfriend was delusional, chasing after him and that he certainly wasn’t dating her..(Red flag!! If a guy disses a girl you ask him about, he is into her or hitting it) and, she believed of course because she had known him for a whole 3 months - a lifetime compared to the 10 years she had known her friend! Of course! But she just had to tell her friend all about it and she and boy were in love blah blah blah…
Needless to say, they didn’t last long either! I mean seriously! True story though…
So tell me, who is the bigger scoundrel?
Monday, January 19, 2009
I Like To Google Myself
If you go looking for trouble you'll most probably find it. Isn't life hard enough already?
Ladies, ignorance is bliss.
Don't you find your stupid friends seem perpetually happier than your PHD from MIT, MBA from Harvard and Undergrad at Oxford friends? Yeah, thought so.
When shopping for make-up, before I decide I'm going to listen to the the saleswoman, I take a look at her make-up. If it looks good, I'll listen. If it looks positively drag queen like, I'll stop listening to her and listen to myself or I'll move along.
When I'm going on holiday, to help me decide on which the most accurate up-to-date guide books are, I'll see what they have to say about the cities I know like the back of my hand. If what they say is accurate I'll buy the book for the city I'm going to, if not, I'll move along (Lonely Planet and Time Out usually come out on top)
Before you start driving yourself to an early grave as you find out your new love was an axe-murderer, google yourself. If the information you find on you is 100% accurate (and it almost certainly isn't) then fine, take whatever is written about him as the gospel truth.
Truth's friend, the one that met the guy online, there's every possibility he's attached, but then again the information might just be out of date. Stop beating around the bush and just ask him. He might lie, he might tell the truth but more than listening to what he says, watch his reactions. Fidgeting, looking down at the floor, away from you, touching his face, breaking out in a sweat, changing the subject, refusing to answer are all signs that he's lying.
Truth's other friend, who found copies of the divorce document online. First of all, that type of thing is not easy to find so maybe she should think about moonlighting as a private detective as clearly that woman has snooping skills! But divorce is bitter, ugly, usually acrimonious, so chances are most people won't want to go into the sordid details of the demise of what was at least, once upon a time a loving relationship.
As everyone gets older, there's a lot more baggage carried, a lot more skeletons in the closet. Some you'll be told about, some you'll find out about but just make sure you focus on what's important to you. Don't let a dark past cloud a bright future. Every relationship every single person has is different as no two people are the same. Different people bring out different sides of all our personalities. Think about it, you've been different with different people, and chances are the ones that bit the dust were the ones that brought out your more negative qualities.
The world is full of player haters, nobody wants to believe anybody else can have a good thing going, especially if its with a 'bad guy' or 'bad girl'. There's a difference between bad people and people who do bad things. (And if you're sitting there like the Virgin Mary thinking you never do anything bad, you're lying to yourself, just be clear on that.) Why is it every time someone meets someone new, people start looking for the dirt on either party? Let them get to know each other in their own time and leave all the 'he said she said' in Atlanta. And if you've just met somebody new and your friends are giving you lots of he said she said, try as hard as possible to listen to your gut instincts on what you need to believe. And like the make up and guide book examples I gave, before you listen to your friends who are sharing the 'gospel truth' with you, take a look at them and how they conduct their lives...bed of roses or pile of poo?
So while the truth can set you free, remember curiosity killed the cat.
Ladies, ignorance is bliss.
Don't you find your stupid friends seem perpetually happier than your PHD from MIT, MBA from Harvard and Undergrad at Oxford friends? Yeah, thought so.
When shopping for make-up, before I decide I'm going to listen to the the saleswoman, I take a look at her make-up. If it looks good, I'll listen. If it looks positively drag queen like, I'll stop listening to her and listen to myself or I'll move along.
When I'm going on holiday, to help me decide on which the most accurate up-to-date guide books are, I'll see what they have to say about the cities I know like the back of my hand. If what they say is accurate I'll buy the book for the city I'm going to, if not, I'll move along (Lonely Planet and Time Out usually come out on top)
Before you start driving yourself to an early grave as you find out your new love was an axe-murderer, google yourself. If the information you find on you is 100% accurate (and it almost certainly isn't) then fine, take whatever is written about him as the gospel truth.
Truth's friend, the one that met the guy online, there's every possibility he's attached, but then again the information might just be out of date. Stop beating around the bush and just ask him. He might lie, he might tell the truth but more than listening to what he says, watch his reactions. Fidgeting, looking down at the floor, away from you, touching his face, breaking out in a sweat, changing the subject, refusing to answer are all signs that he's lying.
Truth's other friend, who found copies of the divorce document online. First of all, that type of thing is not easy to find so maybe she should think about moonlighting as a private detective as clearly that woman has snooping skills! But divorce is bitter, ugly, usually acrimonious, so chances are most people won't want to go into the sordid details of the demise of what was at least, once upon a time a loving relationship.
As everyone gets older, there's a lot more baggage carried, a lot more skeletons in the closet. Some you'll be told about, some you'll find out about but just make sure you focus on what's important to you. Don't let a dark past cloud a bright future. Every relationship every single person has is different as no two people are the same. Different people bring out different sides of all our personalities. Think about it, you've been different with different people, and chances are the ones that bit the dust were the ones that brought out your more negative qualities.
The world is full of player haters, nobody wants to believe anybody else can have a good thing going, especially if its with a 'bad guy' or 'bad girl'. There's a difference between bad people and people who do bad things. (And if you're sitting there like the Virgin Mary thinking you never do anything bad, you're lying to yourself, just be clear on that.) Why is it every time someone meets someone new, people start looking for the dirt on either party? Let them get to know each other in their own time and leave all the 'he said she said' in Atlanta. And if you've just met somebody new and your friends are giving you lots of he said she said, try as hard as possible to listen to your gut instincts on what you need to believe. And like the make up and guide book examples I gave, before you listen to your friends who are sharing the 'gospel truth' with you, take a look at them and how they conduct their lives...bed of roses or pile of poo?
So while the truth can set you free, remember curiosity killed the cat.
Friday, January 16, 2009
To Google or not to Google
I watched an episode of Cashmere Mafia in which the ladies were looking for a lover for one of the 'stick up her arse red head' (not so up on their names yet) after she had discovered her another one of her husband’s numerous affairs. Anyhoo they find the perfect man for this character and google him and voila all this wonderful information comes up complete with gorgeous picture! Realistic?
Well, every good author has to research their material so I got a friend to try and it and we found some information about a guy she had recently met online and yes, there he was pictures and all – including the fact that he is well and truly attached!
What a bummer eh? I think that is the problem right there – you never know what you gonna find and no, it won’t be a nice box chocolates either!
I heard about someone who found the divorce papers of her boyfriend online. She knew he was divorced but the reasons he gave were quite different to the ones in the document. The questions now is who to believe? Him? Or, this lady she had never met? How many of us would ask him about it without feeling like stalkers or having the guy say, “You did what? I feel so violated! I don’t know if I can trust you any more!”
So guess what did she do? Absolutely nothing…
What would you have done?
Well, every good author has to research their material so I got a friend to try and it and we found some information about a guy she had recently met online and yes, there he was pictures and all – including the fact that he is well and truly attached!
What a bummer eh? I think that is the problem right there – you never know what you gonna find and no, it won’t be a nice box chocolates either!
I heard about someone who found the divorce papers of her boyfriend online. She knew he was divorced but the reasons he gave were quite different to the ones in the document. The questions now is who to believe? Him? Or, this lady she had never met? How many of us would ask him about it without feeling like stalkers or having the guy say, “You did what? I feel so violated! I don’t know if I can trust you any more!”
So guess what did she do? Absolutely nothing…
What would you have done?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Making a list and checking it twice...
Makes sense doesn’t? If Santa does it why don’t we ‘make a list and check it twice, trying to find out who is naughty or nice!’
So, someone approaches you with a sweet business proposition. It sounds tempting… It looks good on the surface and the figures seem to add up. What do you do? Do you take them at a word and sign up, or do you check them out?
I think most people would run a check on this prospective business partner to try and find out who knows them, who has worked with them and if this idea is as good as it sounds.
Even if this deal comes from a friend – doesn’t your sixth sense tell you to speak to someone else about it first? How many of us have been burnt by going into business with friends?
So, how many of us apply this rule to people we date? I would like to know how many of you have Googled someone when you have met them, or tried to find out who this person really is before you embark on the journey of love.
Do we put as much effort into verifying information about a person who could potentially be a life partner as we do into someone who could potentially be a business partner?
Is it better to lose your money or to lose your sense of dignity, worth and come to think of it, possibly, money too?
Or, is it going too far? Is it an invasion of privacy?
You have questions? You need answers - we will give them to you?
So, someone approaches you with a sweet business proposition. It sounds tempting… It looks good on the surface and the figures seem to add up. What do you do? Do you take them at a word and sign up, or do you check them out?
I think most people would run a check on this prospective business partner to try and find out who knows them, who has worked with them and if this idea is as good as it sounds.
Even if this deal comes from a friend – doesn’t your sixth sense tell you to speak to someone else about it first? How many of us have been burnt by going into business with friends?
So, how many of us apply this rule to people we date? I would like to know how many of you have Googled someone when you have met them, or tried to find out who this person really is before you embark on the journey of love.
Do we put as much effort into verifying information about a person who could potentially be a life partner as we do into someone who could potentially be a business partner?
Is it better to lose your money or to lose your sense of dignity, worth and come to think of it, possibly, money too?
Or, is it going too far? Is it an invasion of privacy?
You have questions? You need answers - we will give them to you?
Friday, January 9, 2009
Who's zooming who?
Everything is okay in the end. If its not okay, its not the end.
If its not okay, yet it's looking curiously like the end, VENT!
You probably just need to get some issues off your chest to get the closure you need.
Somehow or another the truth always comes out, nobody is that slick or that sharp that they get to dodge the biggest mutha of them all, the truth.
So will the real slim shady please stand up?
Whether you've been an artful dodger or been artfully dodged, in love, in life, at work...The Truth and The Answer would love to hear your stories.
Help yourself and others learn from your own experiences and lets get wiser on how to spot a scoundrel.
Every single one of them has an Modus Operandi..so lets give everyone the heads up on what to look out for. Its about spotting that scoundrel and walking away before you lose your dignity, peace of mind or some hard cash!
What say you?
If its not okay, yet it's looking curiously like the end, VENT!
You probably just need to get some issues off your chest to get the closure you need.
Somehow or another the truth always comes out, nobody is that slick or that sharp that they get to dodge the biggest mutha of them all, the truth.
So will the real slim shady please stand up?
Whether you've been an artful dodger or been artfully dodged, in love, in life, at work...The Truth and The Answer would love to hear your stories.
Help yourself and others learn from your own experiences and lets get wiser on how to spot a scoundrel.
Every single one of them has an Modus Operandi..so lets give everyone the heads up on what to look out for. Its about spotting that scoundrel and walking away before you lose your dignity, peace of mind or some hard cash!
What say you?
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