I heard a rather disturbing story about a guy who basically dates girls, takes money off them then dumps them and doesn’t pay back the money. He apparently does this is a very clever way because he is the type of guy that looks serious and behaves well on the surface. He doesn’t fool around or party so you think you are onto something good. So you are dating, thinking it might end in marriage and you lend him money for some business venture that he has told you all about anyway and then next minute you are no longer good enough and he cuts you loose but sans cash!
As appalled as I am about this type of scoundrel ladies (and I actually find this worse than cheating) I have to ask… what are you thinking? Never lend a man money because even if you stay together he will never thank you for it. As a matter of fact he will dislike you because you could afford to lend him the money. Men want to be in control and the mere fact that you can sort out his problems for him means that you become persona non grata.
I am a modern woman who believes that women should be able to take care of themselves and not rely on men, but please there is no need to take care of a man too. These days as women we are high earners, travel when we want and buy what we want but you know, we need to retain some of those old fashioned ways that say that a man should take care of a woman.
Trust me, I know! I have always felt I can do it myself but now I know better. I am sure we have all been burnt and it is time we came to our senses.
Let him pay. You can buy nice little gifts and take him for the occasional meal when you know each other really well but really, for the bigger stuff, let him pay. Certainly do not whip out your cheque book to help him ESPECIALLY if it is for business. I am sure a part of us enjoys that though – feeling like he owes us something – but it is not cool!
We only have ourselves to blame if we are played for fools..
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Practice Makes Perfect?
Don't let a dark past cloud a bright future.
If the guy is divorced, maybe he married the wrong woman. It happens more than most people care to admit.
Been together for a while and 'its the next logical step'
Didn't think anyone better would come along
Maybe he succumbed to family and/or peer pressure.
Its your job to make sure you both communicate well enough to find out what the guy is REALLY like.
Remember there's always his side of the story, her side of the story and then what really happened. So when you ask him, listen objectively to why he says it didn't work out. And no "it didn't work out" is not a viable reason to end a marriage so I'd recommend you press for a better answer that sheds some light onto what this guy was like in a marriage.
Is he a hardcore playerplayer?
Did he make her a human punchbag?
These might be hard questions to get an honest answer to but if you suspect either might be the case, ask. And then watch his reaction. Any signs of nervousness or guarded behaviour should help you see all might not be as sweet as you had hoped for.
But on the flip side, maybe he did just marry the wrong girl at the wrong time.
In which case you're the beneficiary.
And at least unlike the playboy-flying-solo for life, at least you know he's capable of going through the whole shebang.
If he's willing to take the plunge again with you, chances are he learnt a lot of key lessons the first time round about what not to do in a marriage.
And sometimes knowing what not to do can prove more valuable than knowing what to do!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The 4 ‘D’s - dilemma of dating a divorced dude!
A divorced man may or may not be a blessing for new galpal. If ex-wifey did a good job of making him a real man before she left then.. good news for you! If she left broken and tired or without any luggage because it was easier and quicker to do so then… move on sista!
At this point I will say that if the man is a known wife beater, serial philanderer or murderer then there really is nothing much one can do with this sort of man so once again, keep walking!
Anyway back to the matter at hand; how do we ensure we get the right kind of divorced man? I have heard women say it’s better if he had no children because this would mean less money for yours, or he will always have his former wife in his life, but is that really the worst thing that can happen? Isn’t good to see what he is like with children and how generous he is?
Or people say try and find out what happened between them because he might be no good. How do you do this and must it always be his fault? You can ask him but will you get a straight answer or the truth? Most times you only get to hear one side – his! If you are lucky and you hear about her through the grapevine you must be careful to take it all with a pinch of salt but observe him through it all. If he is still friends with her watch their relationship very closely. It will tell you a lot about him. The answers are often right in front of us but we choose not to see.
Very importantly don’t forget the psychological damage that a divorce can bring though - there are men out there whose wives have left them because they met someone else, or because they couldn’t support them. Even the bastards can suffer from damage – it is only human. Find out how long he has been divorced for and if he has dated since.
What I do know for sure is that when a man tells you who he, is or shows you who he is, best believe him - married, divorced or single. Don’t make excuses for him but take it that the real him did that. If a man doesn’t look after his kids and gives lame excuses about an ex who won’t let him, accept that he is a dead beat dad. You see real men every day going to such lengths to find their kids or men in court trying to get visitation rights.
Some people married young and did end up with the wrong person. Some just plain don’t know what they want or what they are doing. The key thing is to keep your eyes wide open. Listen carefully and try to gather information from his friends and siblings once you are on that level. Watch the way he is with his family and friends – that also tells you about how generous he is or how kind.
Just because someone is divorced it doesn’t mean they are bad people. There are lots of singles out there who are terrible and don’t want to settle down. There are some serial marriers too but if you don’t want to be a victim then proceed with caution.
I have heard good and bad things about people who have ended up with divorcé’s. Give him a chance, keep in mind what you want but...don’t make excuses for him..
At this point I will say that if the man is a known wife beater, serial philanderer or murderer then there really is nothing much one can do with this sort of man so once again, keep walking!
Anyway back to the matter at hand; how do we ensure we get the right kind of divorced man? I have heard women say it’s better if he had no children because this would mean less money for yours, or he will always have his former wife in his life, but is that really the worst thing that can happen? Isn’t good to see what he is like with children and how generous he is?
Or people say try and find out what happened between them because he might be no good. How do you do this and must it always be his fault? You can ask him but will you get a straight answer or the truth? Most times you only get to hear one side – his! If you are lucky and you hear about her through the grapevine you must be careful to take it all with a pinch of salt but observe him through it all. If he is still friends with her watch their relationship very closely. It will tell you a lot about him. The answers are often right in front of us but we choose not to see.
Very importantly don’t forget the psychological damage that a divorce can bring though - there are men out there whose wives have left them because they met someone else, or because they couldn’t support them. Even the bastards can suffer from damage – it is only human. Find out how long he has been divorced for and if he has dated since.
What I do know for sure is that when a man tells you who he, is or shows you who he is, best believe him - married, divorced or single. Don’t make excuses for him but take it that the real him did that. If a man doesn’t look after his kids and gives lame excuses about an ex who won’t let him, accept that he is a dead beat dad. You see real men every day going to such lengths to find their kids or men in court trying to get visitation rights.
Some people married young and did end up with the wrong person. Some just plain don’t know what they want or what they are doing. The key thing is to keep your eyes wide open. Listen carefully and try to gather information from his friends and siblings once you are on that level. Watch the way he is with his family and friends – that also tells you about how generous he is or how kind.
Just because someone is divorced it doesn’t mean they are bad people. There are lots of singles out there who are terrible and don’t want to settle down. There are some serial marriers too but if you don’t want to be a victim then proceed with caution.
I have heard good and bad things about people who have ended up with divorcé’s. Give him a chance, keep in mind what you want but...don’t make excuses for him..
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I am woman, hear me roar
Cougars, MILFs, sugar mommas.
Call them what you will but as much as players change, the game remains the same.
A giver & a taker.
That is one of the most basic fundamentals in relationships.
One person just wants and does keep on giving.
One person just wants and does keep on taking.
The person with more money is at risk of being used for their money.
But then again, the trade off of a few sparkly gifts for youthful exuberance might not be such a bad one.
The young hot summer bunny, is at risk of being loved for only the way that they look.
But in exchange for a few (or many) sparkly gifts, that's not necessarily such a bad exchange.
Money makes the world go round and money is the root of all evil. Some guys marry certain women for their cash, some women marry men for their cash. Some people, know their youth is all they have to work with so they always pick someone way older. Whatever floats your little boat.
People just need to man up and at least be honest with themselves as to why they're in the situations they're in.
No point telling your boys, you're in love with the crusty old heffa who just happens to live in a huge pad, sends you off to her Kensington flat on the regular and hands you the keys to her CLS without being prompted.
But if you ARE in love with the crusty old heffa, don't lie to yourself about it and allow what could be a good relationship to be crushed under the weight of society's expectations.
Because at the end of the day, as much as the hoi polloi might want to say they knew first, don't make the mistake of thinking anybody actually cares.
Just remember, no matter how good or bad things might look on paper, after the party jollof has been eaten, there's only two of you that have to find a way to co-exist in that big shiny house with the big shiny toys.
You can run but you can't hide.
Call them what you will but as much as players change, the game remains the same.
A giver & a taker.
That is one of the most basic fundamentals in relationships.
One person just wants and does keep on giving.
One person just wants and does keep on taking.
The person with more money is at risk of being used for their money.
But then again, the trade off of a few sparkly gifts for youthful exuberance might not be such a bad one.
The young hot summer bunny, is at risk of being loved for only the way that they look.
But in exchange for a few (or many) sparkly gifts, that's not necessarily such a bad exchange.
Money makes the world go round and money is the root of all evil. Some guys marry certain women for their cash, some women marry men for their cash. Some people, know their youth is all they have to work with so they always pick someone way older. Whatever floats your little boat.
People just need to man up and at least be honest with themselves as to why they're in the situations they're in.
No point telling your boys, you're in love with the crusty old heffa who just happens to live in a huge pad, sends you off to her Kensington flat on the regular and hands you the keys to her CLS without being prompted.
But if you ARE in love with the crusty old heffa, don't lie to yourself about it and allow what could be a good relationship to be crushed under the weight of society's expectations.
Because at the end of the day, as much as the hoi polloi might want to say they knew first, don't make the mistake of thinking anybody actually cares.
Just remember, no matter how good or bad things might look on paper, after the party jollof has been eaten, there's only two of you that have to find a way to co-exist in that big shiny house with the big shiny toys.
You can run but you can't hide.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The real Cougars
Cougar: the term for older women dating younger men! Fair? I don’t think so. Disparaging – yes, more like! Why are older women who date younger men called Cougars? Why make them sound as if they are on the prowl for fresh meat? And these young men – are they really innocent? I think not.
The whole ‘young men with older women’ is a current trend which shows no signs of going away. Some women swear by it whilst others are a bit ashamed that they had to go that route and keep it very on the DL.
I say, whatever makes you happy! At the end of the day, a man is man, is a man….But please don’t blame it on the women. Some times these relationships actually work out and can even lead to marriage. Other times these guys go into it for what they can get – from clothes to cars to money!
Most of these older women are not poor y’know! She wouldn’t even be called a Cougar if she were poor – trust me! She would just be pitied! It all sounds so much more exciting when said female is dripping in jewels and drives a flash car!
So back to these young men – the real Cougars.. I know of a younger guy who was with someone, in all honesty only about 7 years older than he was. He would hang out with her in the day time, do dinner and then jet at night claiming to be hanging out with his boys.
It turns out in reality he was scouting for younger women he could play with – take on dates, lie to – that sort of stuff. This young man was virtually living off the older woman and was spending a few nights a week at hers – he had just moved into town, was job hunting and trying to save money – or so he said.
Needless to say she booted him out when it got back to her that he was taking girls out with the money she had lent him to ‘get his car fixed’.
This could actually happen even if the guy is older than the woman but why do people enjoy it more when it is a younger man? Why is age so important and why don’t people freak out when younger women are with much older men, and spending their money? Now those chicks are Cougars!
The whole ‘young men with older women’ is a current trend which shows no signs of going away. Some women swear by it whilst others are a bit ashamed that they had to go that route and keep it very on the DL.
I say, whatever makes you happy! At the end of the day, a man is man, is a man….But please don’t blame it on the women. Some times these relationships actually work out and can even lead to marriage. Other times these guys go into it for what they can get – from clothes to cars to money!
Most of these older women are not poor y’know! She wouldn’t even be called a Cougar if she were poor – trust me! She would just be pitied! It all sounds so much more exciting when said female is dripping in jewels and drives a flash car!
So back to these young men – the real Cougars.. I know of a younger guy who was with someone, in all honesty only about 7 years older than he was. He would hang out with her in the day time, do dinner and then jet at night claiming to be hanging out with his boys.
It turns out in reality he was scouting for younger women he could play with – take on dates, lie to – that sort of stuff. This young man was virtually living off the older woman and was spending a few nights a week at hers – he had just moved into town, was job hunting and trying to save money – or so he said.
Needless to say she booted him out when it got back to her that he was taking girls out with the money she had lent him to ‘get his car fixed’.
This could actually happen even if the guy is older than the woman but why do people enjoy it more when it is a younger man? Why is age so important and why don’t people freak out when younger women are with much older men, and spending their money? Now those chicks are Cougars!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Bag Lady...you're gonna break your back
Damaged goods is just a very polite way of saying I'm very f***ed up and have no intention to try to be better, different, nicer.
And when someone has already told you they're damaged, if they do anything that upsets you, and rest assured they will, they can (and will) always turn round and say "But I told you I was damaged".
It makes no sense.
So don't fall for it.
My advice, ladies and gents, is when someone tells you they're damaged, is to cancel your order and send it back to the kitchen.
You were looking for a nice plate of sirloin steak and they sent you a plate of bush meat full of bullets and schrapnel. No matter how much peppercorn sauce or bearnaise you add, its not going to make the bush meat a sirloin. The side order of veg (aka the effects) might temporarily distract you but they won't fulfill you. It was defective from the start.
So send it back.
(And spare yourself the pain of cracking a tooth on the unexpected shrapnel)
If you're over 35 and single, you've probably been in the dating game for 15-20 years so yes, agreed you've probably picked up some baggage along the way.
If you're over 35 and married, especially if you married for the wrong reasons (you know who you are), you've definitely picked up more than your fair share from the conveyor belt.
If you're over 40 and unmarried, maybe you're defective, maybe not. All our choices are half chance anyway. Like everybody else, you'd have made some good choices and some bad choices. But agreed, you too will be carrying some excess baggage.
Marriage is not for everybody and there are a number of married people who probably shouldn't be (again, you know who you are).
So in short, married, single, young, old, everybody has baggage. Nobody is perfect, you're not, I'm not, he's not. So how about we all stop pretending or striving for a level of perfection that is unattainable and learn to love the imperfections that make us all who we are.
So I'll urge you to deal with the issue of excess baggage by following the advice of Ludacris.
Just drink some prune juice and let that ish go.
And when someone has already told you they're damaged, if they do anything that upsets you, and rest assured they will, they can (and will) always turn round and say "But I told you I was damaged".
It makes no sense.
So don't fall for it.
My advice, ladies and gents, is when someone tells you they're damaged, is to cancel your order and send it back to the kitchen.
You were looking for a nice plate of sirloin steak and they sent you a plate of bush meat full of bullets and schrapnel. No matter how much peppercorn sauce or bearnaise you add, its not going to make the bush meat a sirloin. The side order of veg (aka the effects) might temporarily distract you but they won't fulfill you. It was defective from the start.
So send it back.
(And spare yourself the pain of cracking a tooth on the unexpected shrapnel)
If you're over 35 and single, you've probably been in the dating game for 15-20 years so yes, agreed you've probably picked up some baggage along the way.
If you're over 35 and married, especially if you married for the wrong reasons (you know who you are), you've definitely picked up more than your fair share from the conveyor belt.
If you're over 40 and unmarried, maybe you're defective, maybe not. All our choices are half chance anyway. Like everybody else, you'd have made some good choices and some bad choices. But agreed, you too will be carrying some excess baggage.
Marriage is not for everybody and there are a number of married people who probably shouldn't be (again, you know who you are).
So in short, married, single, young, old, everybody has baggage. Nobody is perfect, you're not, I'm not, he's not. So how about we all stop pretending or striving for a level of perfection that is unattainable and learn to love the imperfections that make us all who we are.
So I'll urge you to deal with the issue of excess baggage by following the advice of Ludacris.
Just drink some prune juice and let that ish go.
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